For someone carrying her own child, developing a bond with them may seem intuitive: she feels them kicking, she talks to them in the middle of the night, she sees them on ultrasound scans and hears their heartbeat. For those of us who can’t carry our own child (whether due to infertility or other health reasons, or because of our gender), how is it possible to bond with them while they are being carried by someone else, often in another state or even another country? From my own experience, I believe that not only is it possible, but that it’s even more imperative to try to develop this bond, so that if that miraculous moment occurs when you hold your child in your arms for the first time, there is already a bond, a familiarity, and a connection that you and your child know and feel.

In August 2025, I completed the 18 hours of in person instruction that becoming a certified postpartum doula requires, in a hospital conference room in Denver. Where, quite magically, there was a beautiful painting of a field surrounded by aspen trees overlooking tall peaks…