For someone carrying her own child, developing a bond with them may seem intuitive: she feels them kicking, she talks to them in the middle of the night, she sees them on ultrasound scans and hears their heartbeat. For those of us who can’t carry our own child (whether due to infertility or other health reasons, or because of our gender), how is it possible to bond with them while they are being carried by someone else, often in another state or even another country? From my own experience, I believe that not only is it possible, but that it’s even more imperative to try to develop this bond, so that if that miraculous moment occurs when you hold your child in your arms for the first time, there is already a bond, a familiarity, and a connection that you and your child know and feel. Research shows that when we feel emotionally safe with someone, our cortisol levels drop, our heartbeat steadies, and our immune system strengthens. What a beautiful gift to give your unborn child, and I absolutely believe that we can do it, and that we owe it to ourselves and our children to try. (After you read this post, please check out the free short meditation I created to help you bond with your unborn child.)

Here is my story of bonding with my son as he was being carried by a gestational carrier (GC) thousands of miles away from me, in a different country, and in a different language and culture.

When we got the news at the end of October 2022 that there was a positive pregnancy test 10 days after one of our only two embryos was transferred to our GC in the country of Georgia, I was cautiously amazed. After all the wrong turns and disappointments, was it really happening? It was hard to believe, and exciting in a tentative sort of way. We told our mothers, but other than that, kept the news to ourselves.

Over the next several weeks, my husband Ryan and I met with our GC over WhatsApp regularly, and she sent us videos of her ultrasounds. It was incredible to get to see images of our little one growing, so even though we couldn’t be at her appointments in person, getting those videos, as well as the doctor’s reports, was so comforting, and allowed us to start to feel that this was really happening - to let it all in a bit.

In December, I began to send her music and YouTube videos from the yogic tradition that was important to me and was specifically geared towards mothers and children. It felt good to know that our baby was getting exposed to some of the music and words that I would be playing for him if I were carrying him myself, and started to help me to feel more connected to him - that we were on the same wavelength so to speak.

In January, I finished knitting a blanket that I had been working on off and on for about 3 years. What began as a lap blanket for my father in law when we were full of hope that he would recover from his initial cancer surgery, had another destiny. In my early memories of working on it, I am praying for his health to return with every stitch. But when he passed away and the blanket was not yet complete, I put my knitting projects away and it sat in my closet. It wasn’t until two years after his death that it occurred to me how I might repurpose it. Once we found out our GC was pregnant, I picked up my knitting again, and what had begun as a lap blanket for a dying loved one, was now a baby blanket for his unborn grandchild. Again, with every stitch, I said prayers for our baby’s health and well being, and so my hands and heart worked together to deepen a bond that was getting stronger every time I worked on it.

In February, now that we were into our second trimester, I was starting to feel more and more pulled to make a connection with our child who was growing so far away from us. I wrote in the blog that I was sharing with family and friends at the time, “As I move away from fear of things not working out, more energy is available to me to begin to bond with and prepare for our child and envision our lives together.” As I started to believe that all of this could be happening, it began to be ok to have faith and to really make a connection with this new being. Also that month, we celebrated the 120th day of pregnancy, which in some traditions is when the soul of the child enters the body, and is also when babies can start to recognize voices. Female family and friends gathered in person and over Zoom to write and speak blessings for our baby, myself, and our GC. Celebrating a milestone with people close to me also made everything feel more real, and to know that we had their love and support felt like we were not alone on this journey.

Even though I couldn’t speak directly to our baby, in March I began to connect with him and our GC every morning in my meditation practice. Several years ago I had discovered a book called Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with the Child You’re Meant to Have. I had used some of the meditations described when we had been trying to get pregnant in 2016, but then had put the book away in disappointment and grief when we had failed. But now I chose one of the meditations titled “A Call to the Child of My Heart” and started doing it every morning during my daily yoga and meditation practice. The meditation offered a structured way for me to really focus my attention on our son, begin to open up a space of communication with him, and send him lots of love. It became something that was very soothing and comforting to me too - even though we were so far away, we were still connected.

April arrived, and although we were still 3 months away from the due date, the bonding really kicked into high gear. Some of the things I did:

~ I signed up for a four day online summit on babies and parenting, which immersed me in the world of attachment parenting and research. It really felt like I was taking a crash course in so many fascinating topics (like how to bond with a child before birth, the importance of postpartum plans, and the changes that a new parent’s brain goes through) and it awakened in me a passion for bringing more awareness and consciousness to our own parenting journey, and got me connected to lots of new parenting resources. In addition to feeling inspired to apply so much of what I was learning, I also had the thought that perhaps in the future I might share these ideas with other intended parents of children born through surrogacy! (I also noticed that I had to adapt and translate much of what I was learning to myself as an intended parent, which also planted the seed to become an Intended Parents Support Coach.)

~ I made a stuffed animal for our son - a bunny, to honor the year of the Rabbit in which he would be born. Again, making something with my hands gave my mind something to focus on, and getting help from a friend to do it brought in my community support. Plus, I got to laugh at my own lack of skills, and cuddle something soft at the end of the project.

Year of the Rabbit stuffie made with a friend’s help

~ I took the leap and went into a children’s clothing store. Before that moment, I had been too nervous to tempt fate by buying any clothes or baby gear, but it finally seemed right. I left the store with a few adorable items of clothing - a sun hat, a swaddle, tiny zebra pants, a cloth diaper - feeling like I had at least made a start, and had given a sign to the Universe that I was ready to begin welcoming baby things into my life.

~ We had our first meeting with my dear doula friend Jenevieve, who had offered to help Ryan and me create a postpartum plan for how to take care of ourselves, each other, and our baby in a foreign country without our community nearby. It was so helpful to begin to talk through, with an expert, how to navigate this huge life change with more awareness and preparation. It was clear that especially because we are not able to be in direct contact with our baby during the pregnancy, that the most important work once he is born will be bonding with him as well and deeply as we can. Which means that we both need to be as resourced and present as possible. Beginning to make a concrete postpartum plan was so important in helping us really imagine what life would be like with a newborn in our lives. For more about the importance of postpartum planning, read this post.

~ We met with another couple going through surrogacy, whose baby was due around the same time as ours. Getting to talk through our experience and feelings with another couple made us feel a bit more normal, and that we weren’t on this journey alone. Since I’m a meditation teacher, I offered to lead Lily and me on a guided visualization: we sent love to our baby boys in Tbilisi, imagining that we could speak with them and listen to them and bond with them from afar.

~ My husband and I recorded ourselves reading the children’s book Goodnight Moon, and sent it to our GC to play for our baby so he could hear his parents’ voices.

~ And finally, I started a baby registry. Thinking through and researching what we wanted and didn’t want forced us to talk about important decisions (what kind of bottles to use, cloth diapers vs disposables, etc) which again made things feel more concrete and got our minds working in the direction of imagining the huge change that was upon us. We realized how important it was to be prepared, so that when the big day finally arrived, we could really give ourselves to the experience fully, and bond with our baby completely.

May arrived, and it was the month before we were heading to Georgia. In the busy days of preparing to leave for two months, some of the ways we continued to bond with our baby were:

Shopping at a baby consignment event for used clothes and baby gear.
Attending a workshop on baby-wearing and learning how to use our front pack baby carrier.
Collecting and organizing gifts from the baby registry, washing and fluffing a load of cloth diapers, and figuring out how to use baby gear (swaddles, cloth diapers, carseat, etc).
Recording and sending voice memos to our GC to play for our baby regularly. One of her comments was:
“The baby always starts to move when I play your voice. I love our warmth and connection across the many miles.”
Watching lots of how-to videos on newborn sleep, diapering, burping, and other fun topics.
Diving into the world of raising an infant (check out this list I compiled of books, websites and podcasts here).

Zoe the cat tolerating being front carried

Practicing swaddling on a handmade teddy bear

We also gathered several of our extended family members at our house, and shared the news with them about our baby. We set up our chairs in a circle, and invited everyone to share any important news with the group, and we saved our big announcement for last. Everyone was surprised and happy for us, and it was wonderful to feel their joy and support.

In late May, during a call with our GC, she told us that the doctor had prescribed medication to try to slow the shortening of the cervix. The ultrasound showed that the cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck, but he didn’t seem to be in any distress. I sent him prayers and reminders that he knows how to do this, that everything is fine, that we are waiting patiently for him and that there is no rush to be born. Also in my daily meditations, I sent him playfulness, spontaneity, creativity, affection, and lots of other good qualities that I hoped he could feel and would perhaps embody.

When our little one was finally born (less than 48 hours after we arrived in Georgia - our GC said he was just waiting for us to get there), I had the sense that perhaps he felt more at ease in my arms and that it was easier for him to feel safe with me because he recognized my voice from those dozens of short messages and stories I had sent our GC. And beyond that, I also felt more ready to welcome him in my arms and in my heart completely as his mother because I had spent those months feeling connected with him. The oxytocin and bonding hormones were so intense I almost felt like I was drugged over those first few days as we spent every moment with him. It felt like a seamless transfer from the GC to me, his real mother. And now, two years later, he and I both know and feel in our bones that I’m his mama and always will be.

Here’s a link to a short simple bonding meditation to help you feel connected to your child in utero, wherever they may be.

Ways to Bond with Your Baby Before Birth – Even Through Surrogacy

Becoming a postpartum doula